When a question is not a question

Why some of us find it hard to ask questions and what we can do about it

My best friend, we’ll call her Karla, asks too many questions. At least, this is what I used to think when we were younger and she’d be grilling some guy she’d just met in a bar, or worse an artist giving a talk in a gallery. Or a lecturer. Or MY senior colleague. She would ask her questions and I would be desperately searching for a way to make myself invisible. But also, while melting on the floor, I’d be in awe. 

It took a long time for me to realise that the people Karla grilled almost always liked it. The guy in the bar was flattered. The artist giving a talk in the gallery was relieved that someone was interested and engaging with their work. The senior colleague, always happy to proselytise on his favourite topic – himself! While I was slinking into the background, my friend was making connections, finding things out, demonstrating how interested she was in the world and other people. 

The power of good questions
A great question, or a question and then a series of follow-up questions that demonstrate just how actively you are listening, can have immense power. In job interviews, we come prepared with smart questions; when you coach, asking clear targeted questions of the members of your team can help shift metrics; those with leadership ambitions would do well to ask the right questions of the right people. Or closer to home, we meet another parent at the school gate, or run into a friend we haven’t seen in a long time, or need to get clear answers from a stern, time-poor doctor. Or perhaps we just want to ask better questions in the interest of being more open, engaged and connected. 

Behaviour change - bleh!
There are people like Karla, naturally curious and confident, willing to look foolish, to ask all the questions and then there are the rest of us. Those who might be curious or interested or engaged but who would nevertheless prefer to stand back, perhaps afraid of being rude or intrusive. Or there are other’s (nope, not looking at anyone!), so caught up in their own self-consciousness that they simply forget to ask questions. Some cultures prefer not to ask direct questions of leaders or those in more senior positions. Even some anglo cultures, like my family, consider too many questions prying or nosey. When something is both as fundamental to our growth and well-being and as ingrained as how we ask questions and hold conversations, how on earth do we change?  

Any kind of meaningful behaviour change begins with compassionate self-knowledge. Our culture is obsessed with behaviour change but almost always in the berating, eat that frog and get-your-shit-together sense. Maybe we all need to think about how and why we ask questions, and what this means to us? Is the objective authentic connection, or are we just trying to demonstrate some winning part of our character? 

Some questions to consider: 

How can I be better prepared with the right questions? 

What environment is conducive to me asking great questions? 

What do great questions sound like to me?

How do I feel when I am asked a good question? 

How can I give that same feeling to someone else? 

Some other approaches you might like to try:

Practice mindfulness and being in the moment
If you are feeling awkward or uncomfortable or weird? Notice it. Notice how your body feels. Name the emotion. Take a breath or use the physiological sigh.  

Preparation
If you know you are meeting with someone and would like to ask good questions, take the time to prepare. Do some research.  

Pause 
Take another breath. And another. Slow down and listen to what the other person is saying. 

Remember to ask follow-up questions
A great follow-up question begins with great listening. 

Keep your questions open-ended
Try to avoid questions that elicit a yes or no answer.